It has been over 3 months since I wrote my last entry. I’m kind of shocked it has been so long, and at the same time, it feels like I wrote it in an other lifetime. And I guess I did. My life has changed in ways, I could not have imagined if I wanted to.
In the first weeks after healing my lifelong wound, strange things happened. As I was planning on making 4 visionboards to help me focus on getting my life back on track, I was looking for paperboard. Out of habit, I was reaching for a beautiful dark grey, because to me it is so esthetically pleasing, when my hand slided past it and rested on a very bright yellow for the ‘Energy’ visionboard, and I caught myself thinking: ‘that is just the right color, it is so energizing, it is so full of vitality. I love it.’ I was shocked. Struck silent may be a better description. I pinched myself in the arm to see if I was still really me, if I had not been overtaken by aliens. Whose hand was that, reaching for yellow? It surely could not be mine, as for as long as I can remember I had really abhorred that color. In my mind there was no color more yuk, except for perhaps orange, which I noticed next and thought would make a perfect color for the ‘Play’ visionboard. By now, I was reaching for my phone to call my husband to make sure that I at least still sounded like the Hermien he had known for 22 years. I don’t know if I ever made that call, but I do know that I got the giggles, the unstoppable giggles. And then I knew this was my new normal.
Healing my aloneness has changed me and my life in inconceivable ways, from funny to amazing and awesome. For the first time in my life, I really love being around people. It doesn’t drain me, but energizes me. In interactions, I’m not hyperconscious of me anymore and it is so much easier to listen to what the other is saying. I don’t have this overwhelming need to be alone anymore and I certainly don’t get mad when someone ‘steals’ the time I need to ‘recuperate’ from social activities, which is far less anyway. I am amazed at the still rising level of energy and how easy it is now to make wholesome choices and create wholesome habits. I am much more relaxed, as I don’t chew on the past and fret over the future anymore. I love that I now get all the things I learned in the past 10 years. It feels like everything is coming together. I understand things at a level that was unaccessible to me before, it is as if I went from worm’s eye view to bird’s eye view. I have this calm and peaceful feeling that life is unfolding perfectly, that clocktime only is a string of nows, or more accurately a string of choices I make now, and somehow it is easier to be a conscious choice maker. I feel that I am perfect as I am and that my life is where it needs to be. I can relax my body any time I need to and tap into the undercurrent that connects us all, all I have to do is close my eyes and take a deep breath. I feel where I’m heading and I know the only thing I can do in this moment is live with intention, do what I’m doing consciously and with love. The need to be somewhere in the future is gone, I am doing all I can do now, and that is enough.
There are still moments when I slip back in old behavioral patterns. Usually, I get stressed over something so small it is completely absurd. I will always immediately feel off. And most of the time, I can identify and snap out of it easily. Other times, it takes some more time and last week I even had a full meltdown, which felt completely off and perfect at the same time. I guess that’s the biggest thing: I don’t beat myself up anymore, I distill the lesson from what happened and move on, a bit wiser and more compassionate. It seems like this Libran has finally found her balance.