After publishing Owning my self-worth, last week, I’ve been pondering exactly that. Who am I when you strip me of all I that I perceive myself to be, all that I do and all that I have? Suppose I am ‘reduced’ to a vegetable, a breathing, heart-beating vegetable? Why not pull the plug?
Interestingly, there at the core, I have no problem seeing my self-worth. So instead of peeling back the onion, this time I am building my case from the core. I must say I feel a little squeamish, because to do so I have to introduce the G-word. In the Netherlands, you don’t mention God unless you are very religious. Everyone else kind of shuns it. The thing is that other words to describe God don’t resonate with me, and trust me when I tell you I tried a few. The time has come to stop sidetripping.
When I say God, I am clearly not talking about the big man in the sky. God to me is the organizing principle that creates worlds. It is the always moving, never-ending, conscious essence that is in everything. It is the primal energy that created me and breathed life into me. It is the energy that recreates me every day of my life and inspires me to live, literally. That which is inspiring me to breathe and the I that is being inspired to breathe, are essential to me being alive. We are a team. I am part of it as much as it is part of me, and so is everyone and everything around me. I cannot see myself apart from it because in essence we are one.
What I learned growing up is that I am a child of God. That resonated with me and it still does. What I am saying today, finally out loud, is that I am not only a child of God, I AM God. I say finally, because I have known it for a long time, but never dared to say it, claim it, because where I come from it is the ultimate blasphemy and the society I live in does not take well to this idea either. Yet to own my self-worth, I can no longer not say it out of fear to alienate those I love, because I am denying who I am.
When I say that I AM God, these words fill me with both awe and humility. I am celebrating the long-lost daughter who finally chose to come home, me. You see, however hard I tried, I can not see myself apart from God, I cannot see my life apart from God. God is the energy that both brings me to my knees and exalts me. I am happiest when I sing God’s praise, not so much in the traditional sense, but by acknowledging my every breath, by seeing every person as a reflection of God, everything in my life as an act of God, perfect and whole. A healthy sense of self-worth, a healthy sense of value to me is knowing that I AM God’s abundance flowing through and to me, because I can feel that in every cell of my being, in every bone. I can only truly value everything when I allow myself to see through the eyes of God. When I don’t enter God into the picture, I am this arrogant, small-minded and incredibly judging person. To me God is not only in the Gap, God is the Gap. She is the great paradigm-shifter. Only She can turn fear into love, and give me peace. I am worthy in a way that surpasses my own understanding. And I feel loved and worthy every time I allow my connection to All that is, to that which I lovingly call God, to shape my reality. This is the foundation on which I will build my self-worth, for it is the thing that is most real to me.
picture by Subhadip Mukherjee