Today, I am turning 41. Again it has been an amazing year, full of leaps and shifts, and so very different than I imagined it to be. Somehow, in retrospect, every year comes with a theme. Where the previous year was centered around healing, physically, emotionally and spiritually, this last year was all about discovery. What do I want? What do I really really really want? It was about learning to discern between my own voice and all the other voices that have shaped me, between intrinsic motivation and extrinsic pressure. It was about learning to let go of expectations and the shame of not feeling good enough, to find ways that work for me, to put emphasis on the process and letting go of the result.
I live my life in a different order than most people. Seeing that, but not understanding it always felt awkward. At times it almost felt like I was doing things backwards. My level of introspection did not seem to fit in this action-oriented world. It made me feel like the odd one out. I tried to adapt, yet however hard I tried, this aspect of me was not willing to conform.
I am the proverbial ‘late bloomer’. I now get that and am able to fully appreciate what that means. I am one of those people who needs to see and understand the bigger picture before I can make sense of the individual pieces and place them. Where the majority of people can build a wall one brick at the time, I need a blueprint to place a brick. The same holds true for my life.
So far, I have been trying to see the whole blueprint, to make sense of Life and how and where I fit in. This last year, without me realizing, I got it, and automatically my focus shifted from within to a broader focus that includes both the inner and outer world. I can see the bigger picture now. This doesn’t mean I know any specifics, but I do have a pretty good idea of what I am building and how to go about that.
We all have a blueprint. From birth, we are on our way to build a life that is perfect for us. While growing up, most blueprints get less readable because of the clutter that is piled upon it during socialization. Most of us just start building anyway. Not me. Apart from the master bedroom and the children’s room, that were still pretty readable, the rest of my blueprint was buried under mounts of conflicting messages. I had to clear that away, before I could start building the rest of my life. Of course, I tried to constantly interpret the blueprint through the clutter, but I was looking at it from the wrong angle. In my mind, I thought the bigger picture was a mental picture, one that is logical and well-constructed, but it is not, there is nothing rational about it. Our blueprint is the foundation of all that we are, however vague that may sound. When the life we are building matches our blueprint, we feel connection and we experience flow. When our lives don’t match our blueprint, we experience disconnect and everything from frustration to depression. Reading this blueprint is a feeling thing. For a girl who was taught to mistrust her feelings, got so disconnected that she didn’t even know what felt good and what didn’t, and unconsciously adapted to other people’s needs, that was beyond comprehension. I not only had no idea whatsoever what I wanted, but was completely clueless as to what that even meant.
Having got rid of a lot of the clutter that was hiding my blueprint, I can finally tap into that source of guidance. I am learning to recognize the click when something feels right and the clunk when it doesn’t. It still is a game of trial and error, but I love discovering how it works for me. It usually involves some kind of contrast, and that is okay. I already find it amazing that I can feel a yes or a no rise up inside of me, even when that is only after I have chosen. I am slowly learning to say and do what I want and I revel in that. It is new territory and I am loving it. I am sooooo looking forward to this new year and all that it will bring.
photo by Andi Braun