Growing pains

In stead of climbing the carreer ladder, I have been given the opportunity to climb the spiritual ladder. It didn’t net me a wonderful position, a great salary, or outside validation. What it did bring me however is priceless. From being an insecure young woman with a death wish, I went to being a self-assured woman who intensely loves life and believes she is worthy of all she has to offer. No matter what else will happen in my life, there will be no bigger accomplisment than this. Everything else will flow from this.

Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? And it IS! But, it isn’t the whole story. See, paradigm shifts happen in an instant. Old thought patterns and behaviors, on the other hand, have to be replaced by new thought patterns and new behaviors. And this takes time. So here I am, with this radically new image of myself and the world at large, and thought patterns and behaviors that don’t match it, yet. These are growing pains.Have you ever watched a baby trying to execute a new idea and not being able to do it yet. Have you seen its frustration build with every failed attempt? Have you seen it get angry with frustration? Yes? Then you know where I am.

I know without a doubt that wonderful things are happening and will happen, because I feel worthy of all I have to offer. And yet, my most practiced belief still is that wonderful things, read carreer and financial success, need to happen for me to be worthy. This creates an enormous tension within me, because the harder my old self tries to make things work, the more my wise self revolts and insists on doing nothing, which in return leads to a renewed zeal from my old self. After one and a half day of fierce resistance and the potentially catastrophic consequences it yielded, I’ve come to the brilliant conclusion that resistance is futile. So this is my plan: I’m going to do nothing. I’m going to sit still and do nothing. My old self won’t like this one bit and create an internal havoc of which I cannot predict the proportions yet, but it sure as hell won’t be a picnic. And that’s fine with me, I’ll just sit still and do nothing. I will love my old self. I will hold it and cherish it as you do a hysterically crying baby, until it wears itself out and falls asleep peacefully. I will just love myself until the message sinks in: I love myself unconditionally, no matter how much of a meltdown I have, I will see the perfection in me. I am perfect as I am.