I’ve come a long, loooooong way. And yet, somehow, I never get where I want to be. With every destination I reach, my horizon expands and I’ll find myself en route again toward an even better destination. Where, at first, I found this road never-endingly frustrating, I’ve finally come to appreciate this process of constant expansion and fine-tuning. I am a work in progress.
The biggest lesson in my life, undoubtedly, is to fully appreciate who I AM and to own that, no matter what anybody else thinks of me. Coming from a place where, no matter how much I was loved, I did not feel loved, because at the deepest level, I felt unworthy, that is huge. Most of my life, I tried to feel loved through the act of pleasing. I tried to be the best daughter I could be, the best friend, the best everything. I had learned that pattern so early in my life, I didn’t know any better. When I was in my mid-twenties, it dawned on me that I was depressed because I was living my life through the expectations I thought others had of me. All of a sudden, I saw with clarity that with every externally motivated choice, I gave away my power and lost a precious part of myself. It was then, that the great undoing began. In the more than 10 years that have passed, I have undone my life of most of the over-painting (see True Colors). Slowly, but surely, I’ve gotten used to who I really AM. And finally, I AM ready to show the world my true colors.
I AM me. As much as I care about you, I don’t care what you think of me. As much as I want you to be happy, I am not responsible for the way you feel. As much as I love you, I love me too. I AM me. I AM happy. I love having you in my life, but you are not the source of my happiness. My happiness comes from within. It comes from knowing my truth and having the courage to own it. It comes from loving myself to the extent that I don’t need your validation. I AM me. I do what I do, because it makes me love myself more. I say what I say, because it makes me feel better about myself. I AM who I am, because being me gives me more joy than anything else ever could.