Into the abyss. Again.



Transformation is inevitable, not optional. Transformation cannot be halted. It can be stalled, but not halted. That would be as nonsensical as a caterpillar choosing to become a pupa instead of a butterfly. It is a caterpillar’s destiny to undergo a complete metamorphosis. It is a caterpillar’s destiny to become a butterfly. It is programmed into its being. It is the why of its existence. It is inevitable.

My transformation started the day I earnestly said I didn’t know. One of the first, and scariest, steps was that I let go of God, which simply meant that I was willing to accept that I didn’t know if there was such a thing as God. After two weeks of living in a void, I experienced that there was something bigger than little ol’ me. I was part of a web of Life that was immeasurable and indescribable. For a long time, I refused to give it a name. Then, for practical reasons, I started trying several names to end with the name God again, because for me that simply resonated most.

In the past years, I somehow started believing in a divine plan, a grand scheme. Like the caterpillar, we are meant to transform into a new version of ourselves.  Ironically, in my transformational process, the time has come to let go of that belief, to do what scares me most, to explore nothingness once again, to live in the void, to know nothing and experience everything.

Only thinking about it is enough to make my mind and body protest with all their might, because what if there is no divine plan, what if the things that make sense to me on the deepest level are just part of the illusion? The whole idea makes me want to puke, I literally feel nauseous, but I cannot not do it. It is not optional. It is time to go into the abyss, again, and I am loathing it. I know that I am fearing fear itself, but that is little consolation. I really wish I didn’t have to take this path, but, however paradoxical this may sound, I know it is inevitable.


photo by Eric Nelson

Comments 6

  1. Thank You Hermien.
    I have read this 3 times now and want so to reach total understanding of what you have shared here.
    Does this mean reaching a place where my only unification would be with my recognition of
    I Am Infinite Being?
    To stand in a place where I am allowing everything else…particularly the ego to be silenced and fall away?
    I read this and see ‘going into the abyss’ as a good thing that aids in my transformation.
    Where does what Abe says…we never get it done and we never get it wrong fit into our transformation?
    It would seem that it would be complete, (when thinking of the butterfly) in its transformation in just a short time.
    For humans it seems ongoing.
    Maybe that’s why you said ‘Going into the Abyss, again’?
    Thanks again Hermien.
    Love to You!

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    For me going into the abyss means loosing sight of the shore. It is a letting go of what is known, when I actively stop identifying with a belief that has been woven into my being, and explore what happens when that belief is not true. It is soul-searching at its best, and to me there is nothing scarier. It feels like descending into the darkness of the unknown. Although I must say that I feared more the descent than the darkness, if that makes any sense, and this time I discovered there was no darkness, just light.
    I think as humans we never get it done and we never get it wrong. Life is an ongoing process. Having said, I do think that our transformation is all about going from a fear-based perception of live to one that is rooted in love, to go from being bonded by fear to being free in love. I think that is the metamorphosis. Everything else is just icing on the cake.
    There always will be new beliefs to be released, but after last Friday, I don’t know if it ever will be that scary again, but it may. Ego is a tenacious little bugger. 😉
    Hope that answers your questions. Love, Hermien

  3. It does Hermien. Thank You!!
    I just have never (don’t know right word) allowed myself to go that deep or let go that much…but I want to.
    Ego is a ‘tenacious little bugger’ as you say but for me releasing resistance is just as tricky…or maybe it’s one in the same?
    I imagine it may be as simple in just my ‘asking’ for it!
    There is great Love here for You!!

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  5. Well, I am going to think of it when as a kid (oh such a long time ago:) and riding my bike…letting go of the handle bars. There was such exhilaration in doing that!
    Look Ma, no hands!
    And the letting go of the oars thing does it too.
    Thanks Hermien!

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