Into the abyss. Again.



Transformation is inevitable, not optional. Transformation cannot be halted. It can be stalled, but not halted. That would be as nonsensical as a caterpillar choosing to become a pupa instead of a butterfly. It is a caterpillar’s destiny to undergo a complete metamorphosis. It is a caterpillar’s destiny to become a butterfly. It is programmed into its being. It is the why of its existence. It is inevitable.

My transformation started the day I earnestly said I didn’t know. One of the first, and scariest, steps was that I let go of God, which simply meant that I was willing to accept that I didn’t know if there was such a thing as God. After two weeks of living in a void, I experienced that there was something bigger than little ol’ me. I was part of a web of Life that was immeasurable and indescribable. For a long time, I refused to give it a name. Then, for practical reasons, I started trying several names to end with the name God again, because for me that simply resonated most.

In the past years, I somehow started believing in a divine plan, a grand scheme. Like the caterpillar, we are meant to transform into a new version of ourselves.  Ironically, in my transformational process, the time has come to let go of that belief, to do what scares me most, to explore nothingness once again, to live in the void, to know nothing and experience everything.

Only thinking about it is enough to make my mind and body protest with all their might, because what if there is no divine plan, what if the things that make sense to me on the deepest level are just part of the illusion? The whole idea makes me want to puke, I literally feel nauseous, but I cannot not do it. It is not optional. It is time to go into the abyss, again, and I am loathing it. I know that I am fearing fear itself, but that is little consolation. I really wish I didn’t have to take this path, but, however paradoxical this may sound, I know it is inevitable.


photo by Eric Nelson