Almost two weeks ago, while visiting my family doctor because of a debilitating tiredness I’ve had for some time now, she suggested I’d look into chronic fatigue syndrome / ME. I did. I found several different standards and according to all, I fit the profile perfectly. So yesterday, I called my doctor to make a new appointment to deal with the physical side of what’s going on. That means getting a diagnosis, which will involve tests as it is a diagnosis of exclusion. There is no treatment, but I want to learn ways to go with my body, instead of against it. As I said, that’s the physical side, it is what needs to be done, but as far as I’m concerned that is not the interesting part of what is happening in my life.
I thought I had made peace with being tired, but being confronted with a possible ME diagnosis, feeling physically very ill and emotionally drained, I discovered that there were new layers to be uncovered. Although this illness and its symptoms are very real in my daily life, I choose not to see it as a physical problem. Unexplained energy loss has been an issue in my life for the past 20 years and no exercise, diet or multivitamin has had any significant results. I would be stronger and healthier than any person I’d know and still, out of the blue, get immensely tired for weeks, unable to even brush my teeth.
What is interesting is that, as I have been growing spiritually in ways that I almost cannot fathom myself, my tiredness has been growing proportionally. And although this may seem paradoxical, it makes perfect sense. See, before, the image I had of myself and my actual life were the same, there was no discord. But now, my image of self has changed almost 180º, yet my life has not. I’m still moving in the same direction. That’s two bodies moving in opposite direction, creating immense tension.
Have you ever held onto something, because you were afraid to let go, even while you knew that you would be alright, that you would be better for it? That’s where I am now. I’m in this boat and I’m rowing against the stream. I’m so good at rowing and I’ve rowed for so many years that I’ve actually managed to row upstream. The current is so much stronger up here and by now I’m rowing like a maniac not be taken by the current. I’m exhausted, I really want to let go of the oars, yet I’m so scared to be taken downstream that I keep rowing. Did I mention that I’m a control freak? I know I need to let go and allow the stream to take me, to close the gap between me and Me, but I’m afraid of what will happen when I give up this illusion of control. Fortunately, my body is caving in, and it is finally dawning on me that I cannot beat the stream of Life, there is only one way and that is down. It is called gravity.
I can honestly say that I’m excited to be on this journey. What an opportunity! What an amazing opportunity! I can’t wait to see what happens when I will let go and allow this stream of Life to take me. I will use this illness as an excuse to catch up with my Self, to become more self-ish, in the purest sense of the word. Isn’t it perfect irony that it will take ME to become Me? Makes me laugh.
photo by Christa Richter
1 word sweetie: Downstream.
And another 4: you’ll be fine!
I know, love … I know…. terrified and still rowing, but laughing now. It’s completely silly, I know that too. X
As I sit here typing with LOVE tears falling down my face, I too am facing a lot of things in my life that I want to let go of: I just went to the doctor on Sat.. and my right hip is almost gone: Bone on Bone no cartridge left, left hip not much better, and yet I am happier than I have been in years:) I am spending a lot more time with ME also:) I love you, your light of love and MY MIRROR:) THANK YOU FOR ALL-WAYS BEING YOU:)
Een heftige tijd maak je door. En aan je inzicht te zien heb je misschien het moeilijkste al achter de rug. Ik wens je nu ‘alleen nog’ het vertrouwen dat de stroom je de goede kant uit voert.
You’re such a marvelous lady, Martha! As you say, it is about how we feel now, more than it is about what seems to be going on on the outside. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you’re a shining example and I love that you’re in my life!
dank je, Sara! Ik denk dat ik inderdaad een grote stap heb gemaakt, nu ‘alleen nog’ de uitvoering… *diep ademhaalt* 😉
It is so wonderful to me to have someone else express in words what I am going through. Wonderful to know I am not as alone as I feel at times.
Once again thank you so much for sharing, beezy
you may be surprised to know that you are in my heart. I don’t know you, but I care and I wish you all the best. you will be alright, I know and I hope you will too, one day soon. with Love, Norea/Hermien
Yes, when you talk of let go and not being able to let go…then you are talking of conditioning.
With spiritual growth conditioning will break, it will go to pieces like shattered glass..but you are holding on to it knowing well its brittleness.
jump off the boat, into the water of life.. let water take you up and down the stream, toss you throw you aside and in the free state of your Self, may you find the joy, the peace and the happiness.
which is the state of your true self? have you known your self? who says that the person who is you for 39 years is the true self, if you were so true why you are here?
that what emerges today is your truth , and that what will emerge day after will also be your truth..
and that what you were doing and that what you have to do in your daily life, how does that define you..you will do everything the same but not you the one who were doing it…
when you change yourself, everything is new…in the same setting..
who is holding you to change? you are. You are not targeting the pleasure, you are not focusing on the happiness…
the paradox is not that the spiritual part is not uplifting your energies…but the paradox is that the spiritual energies will lift in tandem with mundane.
Dont let yourself be fooled by the fact the spiritual life will reside in some other plane…the spiritual life will start inside you but you will transform your mundane , then only you will realize the spirit…
cause, we are locked with the bodies to live in the physical world..the internal changes must reflect the shape of the mundane and the routine…
you are already spiritual…now change the routine, change the nearl world, the home, the furniture, the breakfast menus….
the ultimate reality is this , realization will also some through mundane.
thank you, Anurag.