In the past weeks, I always had an article up my sleeve. This week, I came to the shocking conclusion that I had run out of articles in a week where most of my time had already been allocated. Tuesday, I started writing frantically. Everything I tried didn’t work. With every minute that passed, I got more frustrated. “But tomorrow it is Wednesday. I want to post on Wednesday.” was playing in my head like a broken record. I got stuck, completely stuck.
On Wednesday morning, it finally dawned on me, I was not going to publish a good article that day, however much I wanted to. I had to make a choice between publishing an article that was not up to my standards or not publishing at all. Now I don’t publish for the sake of publishing, I publish because I want to make a difference. So the choice was simple, but it turned out to be not so easy.
Like you, I have a vision growing on the inside that wants to come out. It’s a gorgeous dream. And part of me can’t wait for it to be a physical reality. Yesterday morning, that part had a break down. “What if this is never going to happen?” it wailed. “What if I do the best I can and it proves not to be good enough?”, “What if no one will like what I write?” “Why would anyone want to read my writings anyway?” It was ugly. And it was untrue.
You see, it is happening. I am doing my best, and people tell me that they love how and what I write. But the three-year-old girl that is still living inside of me wants it now. She has to see to believe. And if I don’t hand her what she wants on a silver platter, she’s going to kick and scream.
What I know for sure is that things happen at the speed that you allow them to happen. The speed at which things happen is in inverse proportion to the resistance you are feeling. And that’s good, it means that things come our way when we are ready for them to happen. If my dream would unfold over the course of a night, it would knock me completely of my socks the next morning. I wouldn’t know what hit me. I would not be ready. My vision is unfolding at a pace that fits me. All I have to do is allow for it to unfold. Let’s see if I can make this more tangible.
Over 8,5 years ago, we moved from the city to the country. I had always travelled by bike, bus and train, but then I needed a car. The day I figured that out, I immediately started browsing the internet for cars. I was dreaming of a BMW roadster, but I was looking for a Toyota Starlet. We actually did have the money to buy a secondhand BMW, but not only wasn’t I comfortable spending that kind of money on myself, I wouldn’t have been comfortable driving it either. I was however ready for a car. The next day, we went to see granddad and he told us he was selling his car. It was the ugliest car I had ever laid my eyes upon, but it was running like a clock, it was bigger than a starlet, it had the right price and it was available.
Interestingly, when people saw me arrive in that car they would always be flabbergasted and comment that they had expected me to drive in a much fancier car, and they would always name a car that was very much like the car I was dreaming of. But I wasn’t ready yet. In the past 6 years, I have often prayed that my car would go to car heaven, but it turned out to be a persistent little bugger. I would dream of better-looking and safer cars, but on some level I wasn’t ready to take the necessary steps. In the past year, healing life-long traumas and letting go of so much emotional baggage, my self-image has drastically changed – it finally got up to speed with who I have grown into.
A few weeks ago, driving on the highway, praying for a miracle, or should I say a new car, I heard such a disturbing sound that I decided to stop on the emergency lane. It turned out I had a flat tire. The man who came to replace my tire told me that all my tires had to be replaced because the rubber of the tires was breaking down. It was the answer to my prayers. It was as if the Universe knew I just needed a little nudge in the right direction.
That evening, browsing the web, I did not look for the cheapest car. This time, I set a budget and looked for the car that I loved the most. One and a half week ago I found and bought the perfect car for me. It has every feature I hoped for and more. Yesterday, driving to the dealer to pick her up, I felt nervous. I had clearly grown out of my old car, but my new car was still at the upper end of my comfort zone. When I stepped into my new car, that feeling vanished. Driving home felt soooo good! I could not have imagined that having a car could possibly feel so delicious. It feels perfect. I am ecstatic. I just keep grinning.
Even though driving this car thrills me, it is my journey towards becoming this person who has allowed this car to become a physical reality that thrills me even more. My vision is unfolding, this car is physical proof.