No more drama

2009 was my year of truth. I got knocked over by something that was bigger than me. I quickly came to realize what the challenge was about, but there was no way I could fathom how deep I would have to go. All my experiences were designed to teach me one thing: to be true to my self. Feeling worthy, adhering worth to what I feel to be true, over what others say or do. I thought I had conquered the fear of unworthiness some time ago, but it seems I had only cut down the tree, not uprooted it entirely. Faced with my worst demon, the fear started budding again. For almost 30 years, on some level, I have felt guilt for not being good enough, blamed myself for everything that went wrong, tried to fix everything that did not work by adapting myself. No more. I’ve finally chosen to confront the fear I have carried with me most of my life. Today, no matter what, I simply am me. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. When something is off, I still feel this need to make everything work, to be a ‘better’ person, but unless it is I who created the problem in the first place, I don’t do a thing.  In the process, I think I lost a friend or two and that hurts. It hurts because it confirms what my ego believes to be true: I am simply not good enough. It hurts so much, that it almost feels impossible not to adapt myself into that person I think others would like me to be. Almost, I said, for I feel I’m getting stronger every time I stay close to myself.