On bottlenecks and cutting knots



There it is again. Sudden OVERLOAD! I’ve reached the limits of my brain: mental tiredness, tense muscles, tears just beneath the surface, a need to cry and/or scream and an indescribable desire to sleep. Somehow, I have not given myself the care I needed. I have not honored the rituals that allow my body and mind to be aligned with my soul. The result is invariably the same. Part of me still resists. Part of me thinks it is stupid that I cannot do what most people take for granted. Part of me wants to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it. I can, but then there will be days when I feel like this, and I need to ask myself if that is worth it. I have been going to bed late, I have been skipping journaling, meditating, regulated screen time and time when I actively engage in nothing, time that I just sit in a chair or lie in bed and stare into nothingness, watching the birds in the garden or the clouds pass by.

I had gotten trapped in busy-ness. Interestingly, it is not the busy-ness that gets me derailed. At first, I notice a surge in energy, I’m flying high. But then,  I get lost in it. Especially when I don’t check in with myself regularly.Then instead of processing the things I want to do in an orderly fashion, my brain obsessively keeps going back to the unfinished things. I guess we all do that, we keep going back until it is finished. First, I thought that writing them down would help, and it helped, a bit. Defining next steps, helped too, to a degree. What I am noticing now is that I am stacking, it’s a bottleneck, and it is blocking the flow of energy. I need to make decisions, cut some knots. The thing is that is not my forte. More accurately, I am decisively impaired. It’s both brain make-up and conditioning. And it is making me feel less than. As you can imagine, that doesn’t feel too good, and it certainly doesn’t inspire joy.

So I decided I want to get good at decision-making. I want to overrule conditioning and work around biology. From where I stand that means that I need to start cutting the seeming Gordian knots in my mind, preferring wrong decisions over no decisions, trusting that everything will work out just fine. Whoa! Getting nauseous only thinking of it. I am terrified of making wrong decisions, and allowing myself to make them will require a high degree of self-compassion and extreme self-care. Which means too that I will need to grow up and let go of any resistance I might feel around taking the best possible care of myself, whatever that may mean at any particular moment. Life feels best when the energy is flowing freely, when I feel part of the Flow. Flow IS Joy. Allowing Flow is allowing Joy. What I want not only is a joy-inspiring life, but a flow-allowing life. Flow requires balancing doing and being, dreaming and acting. I am all pro inspired action, but I now see that like anything else this requires practice and fine-tuning. I will allow myself to make decisions, the best possible decisions, celebrate them no matter the outcome, and learn from them. Life will lead me.


Image by Kliverap