I am very good at creating to-do lists and schedules. They usually are of the need-to-do-way-more-than-can-be-done and the lots-of-very-boring-tasks kind. I can honestly say that I am a master at that. Having told that, you probably won’t be surprised that I am very good too at setting completely unrealistic and no-fun goals, and then not one but ten at a time. I would always do things drastically, like as of next week, every day, I will get up at 5.30am, walk for at least an hour, exercise for half an hour, eat no sugar, work for x hrs, clean one room a day, do one laundry, keep every surface tidy, blah blah blah. And I would do it, keeping at it for about two weeks, before I collapsed from sheer exhaustion.
Last week, Monday morning, having brought my daughter to school, I made some coffee to start the day and was ready to make a to-do list, when a soft voice in my head whispered. You are allowed to do nothing, remember. I felt relief, and in that moment that same voice said, ‘what if you got your diary instead’. The last entry was a month ago. It was quite high-powered, and felt a zillion light years from where I am now. Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling up and at it, but again I walked into my own trap, the I-really-need-to-start-creating-results trap. I really can’t remember how often I got stuck in that one before, but we could call it a theme. The theme usually ends with my body throwing a tantrum and me feeling completely deflated.
So there I was, sitting at the dinner table with a cup of coffee, my diary and a pen. And after I stopped laughing at my own stupidity, I wrote
“What if, instead of all the big blah blah, I will commit to writing in my journal every morning, to honor an ‘hour’ of power, in which I realign. Nothing fancy, nothing out there, just this here. A time every day, no matter how busy I am, or believe I am, to reconnect to all that really matters to me. A time dedicated to the Source that dwells within me and my connection to it.
What if, every day, I just allowed myself to feel and see Source’s presence in my life, to feel peace and see beauty, to feel and see the perfection of everything, to come home, to feel loved unconditionally, to feel heard and seen, to be perfect as I am, to not need to be or do anything, simply because I AM Source and Source is me.”
What happened next was extraordinary. The idea felt like oxygen to my soul, my muscles relaxed and my tiredness dropped. And in that moment, I realized (again, only with more clarity to it) that there is nothing I want more than to connect to this Source of Life, that my deepest desire is to feel ‘the peace of the Lord’. And instantly, I felt the sweet embrace of unconditional acceptance. I felt such tender love, such deep care. I knew what it meant ‘to give your burden to the Lord.’ It is interesting to see that I revert to the language that I grew up with, even though I lost my religion a long time ago. I felt like a small child putting its hand into its parent’s hand, trusting that everything will be all right, trusting it will get wherever it needs to be. It was a powerful experience.
I am not promoting a belief in God or a higher power, but I would love for you to know that somewhere inside of us is a place where we are loved unconditionally. I don’t know what it is or where it is, for all I know it is just part of our imagination. I really don’t care where that feeling originates. What I do know is that it is real, that it is beyond anything I have ever experienced, and it is better than anything I could ever make up. What I do know too is that I am no different than you; if this is available to me, then it is available to you. And no, you don’t have to become a mystic to find it, or do special things to get access to it. It is a space with many doors. And your door will open the moment you are ready to accept yourself as you are. Ask yourself, “what matters most to me, what do I crave more than anything in the world”, and then give that to yourself. As the ad says, you are worth it.
picture by Andrey Gorshkov
I LOVE THIS HERMIEN and I LOVE YOU!!!
Kudos, and thank you for speaking my experience, so exquisitely 🙂
Love being on this path with you, Debbie! It is so precious to share with those walking me home! Thank you!
Wow! What if…. you nailed it! Thank you for this wonderful place you have created in virtual space that is so real and human, and for sharing your experiences so clear and from your heart. Love it! And I am learning so much about myself in the process… Thank you.
O wow, Claudia, thank you for sharing. I love that you found us and that my experience benefits yours. That is what it is all about, us walking each other home, as Ram Das stated so beautifully. Thank YOU!