Downstairs, in a crate, there’s a puppy, our puppy, Caatje ([ka:tj!] for phonetical buffs). We’ve had her for one and a half weeks now. She is a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e, and a handful. Boy! Even though I prepared well, I wasn’t prepared, at all. The thing I hadn’t expected was the mental load, the amount of space having a puppy takes up in my mind. Not to mention all the old fears that went rampant. Being confronted with this entirely new situation, where I do my best but most of the time have no clue what I should do, triggers fears I thought were gone but apparently left some residue.
Last week, I wrote about finding unconditional self-love. This week, I explored what that means to me and how I can have it in my life more than just occasionally. Because finding it doesn’t necessarily mean dwelling in it indefinitely. Finding it is the first step, being able to access it at will is the second and remaining there, well at the moment, that still sounds like fairyland. And that’s okay – being happy for no reason felt the same not so many years ago. This week, I took time to reconnect to myself every day, I wrote in my journal and I learned that I could access this space of unconditional self-love when I focused on it. Af first, I fell into my big-goal-setting trap, wanting to dedicate a substantial time every morning to this, but all it did was make me feel like I was falling short, not enough. And I wondered,
“Why is this idea of being enough as I am so hard to grasp? Or is it? What if I just allowed it to percolate? What if I allowed myself to just be enough, BE enough, to be in that space of enoughness, to sit in that space where I am loved unconditionally, to allow it to fill me up? What if that is enough? What if it will grow through the practice of it? What if all I have to do is give myself permission to be sucked in the experience of unconditional love, and let it take hold without me having to do anything? It is easy to be sucked in, because this enoughness, this needing-nothingness, this being-loved-for-my-beingness feels beyond anything I could ever describe, it feels so good! What if instead of making it a big daily thing, I allowed myself to BE enough in the moments when I feel I am not? What if I gave myself what I am craving most whenever I feel emotional unrest? What if I allowed myself the peace I have been looking for so long, whenever I need it. What if I accept that I have found it and stop looking for it? What if I just practice feeling unconditional self-love whenever I feel out of kilter? What if that is all I have to do?”
Indeed, what if that is all I have to do? And what if this sweet puppy is exactly what I need to practice feeling unconditional self-love? I love how this little puppy, in all its frolicking dogginess, is constantly pulling me out of my comfort zone. I love how her presence alone gets me out of whack enough to go find that space where I am loved no matter how many mistakes I make. Who knew that having a puppy could do that? Who knew?