Letting go is a process of releasing what is weighing us down and consequently holding us back. Letting go is the releasing of energy that we have stored in our bodies and minds. When we resist something, the energy contained in the event is stored. Everything is energy vibrating at different levels. Everything in the Universe is vibrating in and out of existence. The slower the vibration the more solid we perceive it to be. On some unconscious level, we know a rock to be more solid than our bodies, and a pansy to be less solid. When we resist what is happening in the moment, we resist the flow of life, we don’t allow the vibration of an event to pass through us. Every trauma is stored away energy, and everytime it is activated and we don’t allow it to be released, we add to it. Everytime we add to it, the vibration slows down and this package of energy that we are holding onto is becoming more dense. At first it may have been just be a twig in the flow, but before we knew it we created a dam and it is blocking the flow, considerably if not almost completely. We built it to feel safe, at first it worked for us but when we grew up it and kept adding to it, it started working against us. Now we have to let it go to feel safe again, let go of the pain and the fears that hold us back. Letting is coming full circle. Letting go will allow you to be who you have always wanted to be.
I started the deconstruction of my dam over 10 years ago. I did not really know where to start, so I just took twig after twig. At times, the water would start pooring through and I would fear the unleashing of all that water, the loss of control, and I would stop taking twigs or even start putting them back. This is exactly what I did when I encountered a real big branch. I knew that taking it away would break the dam. I feared I wasn’t ready and with the last energy that was in me, I rebuilt my dam. When I finished, my dam was bigger and better than before. This time, I had done a real good job. I was a master Beaver. My creek had run dry almost completely on one side and on the other side the water pressure was building. The dam I had built on the inside was manifesting in my real life. I got ME and was left without energy, I had a hurting body that moved at snail speed and thoughts that went so slow that I was unable to hold a thread for longer than 5 seconds.
I have always felt a presence greater than me. As I grew up in a conservative christian family, this presence was called God. I loved going to church, I loved to sing God’s praises and I loved to pray, but most of all I loved how God’s love for me felt. It was the most amazing feeling, timeless and so precious that it would move me to tears. Growing up, this Love never left me, but it was muffled by the voice of my mind, which grew increasingly loud. Yet, in the midst of the noise there was always the memory of what I knew to be true and how it felt to be Loved that way. That memory pulled on me, even when I wasn’t aware of it anymore. In my twenties, my life was centered around the church. But I became increasingly uncomfortable with the words and works of men, who claimed it was of God, while I did not recognize God’s signature. I became uncomfortable with the personification of God, because I knew deep down that God was too big for us to know. And finally I became uncomfortable with the word God, because I knew the experience of this presence is undefinable and indescribable. I stopped going to church, but was at a loss. I did not remember how to reconnect with this unnameble Source of Love and Joy. Doing my best to fit in, I had unlearned to recognize God’s voice calling.
In September 2011, after having lived with ME for over a year and a half, I had no other option but to start deconstructing my dam again. This time, I was ready to start at the bottom. I took away a bigger branch. The dam didn’t break, but the energy started flowing again. A year ago, I was ready for the biggest branch. My energy level returned to normal again and I was in heaven. I loved feeling this energy flow through me. My paradigm had shifted, but old habits die slowly. First, without realizing, I tried to swim very hard with the flow, which was almost as exhausting as swimming against the current. It didn’t feel right, in my heart I knew that Life was flowing easily. Feeling that and acting on it, turned out to be two different things. It took some time to see that. When I finally got it, I stopped trying so hard and started to study how my energy and the remainder of my dam were interacting. At one point, I recognized how the movement of energy in my body interacted with the energy of the stream, and I could feel when they joined. I could feel the rise of energy when intuition kicked in and I knew it would be a good decision without having any rational back-up. This led to a series of synchronistic events, one of them being a workshop Release Technique led by Jan Bommerez on the last Saturday in February.
I had been able to ‘work’ on issues when they got up, but after the workshop I could actually recognize the density of a branch in my stream, I could feel in my body where my energy wasn’t flowing freely. It’s like when you look at a dam and you see the water pooring over and under a branch and you know that it will come lose easily with the help of the water that is already flowing around it. When I woke up early the next Sunday, everybody was still asleep. With the intention of releasing anything that was holding me back, I scanned my body. In my stomach area I could feel a density. Simply by focusing on it, it came undone and the flow took it downstream. In that moment, I just focused on the next and the next and the next. I let the Stream guide me. Then I felt my dam break and the flow equalized, it was an amazing feeling. On Monday and Tuesday, I was feeling sluggish and I didn’t understand, because I could feel the energy flowing, but I was not going with it. Until Wednesday, when I felt inspired to watch an interview with Panache Desai. Listening to him, recognizing Life’s Love flowing through him, I felt a shift. In that moment, I realized that I was still holding onto the trunk in the middle of my stream, I was holding on to the fear of being fully loved by Life, the fear of shining brightly for all to see. Then I let go. It was the most breathtaking and humbling experience. I felt God’s Grace and Peace washing through me. I say God by lack of a better word. For me, it was coming home, reconnecting to the Love I had been immersed in singing God’s praise as a kid. Imagine being so touched by something really kind someone does for you that tears are welling up in your eyes, and then multiply it by some. It feels GOOOOD!
Life is circular and I just gained access to a new level. Gone is the fear not to be good enough, gone are both the need and fear to either fit in or to stand out. I AM perfect as I AM. And so are you. You ARE as gorgeous and talented as you have always secretly dreamt of. Life is good, even if you can’t see it. Life is the expansion of all that you are and that includes a life jacket. Will you play the game of life with me? Dare you start taking down your dam and flow on the current of Life? Dare you start living the life of your dreams and share your gifts. I’d love to play with you.
photo by Victor Maltby