Like a phoenix

Looking back, I see this confident and vibrant woman. She stands tall, she radiates peace and love. She is present and aware, open to all this world has to offer without judgement. I look at her in amazement, in awe. That woman is me, one year ago. I miss her. I need her to tell me that everything will be allright, that she’s still here somewhere in this mess. I need her to guide me back to where I was, for somehow I got lost, trapped in traumatic memories, reliving a painful past.

Being 9 again, bullied by who I think are my friends. Not able to understand how their friendship can turn into anger and vice versa, just like that. Always trying to be a better friend, always trying to gain their approval, their love. Almost 30 years later that trap still works. I still crave love and approval. I still fear rejection. And I still meet the same challenge.

My wise self tells me everything is allright. She tells me this is exactly what I need in order to heal.  She tells me that everything that doesn’t root in love is part of the illusion. She tells me that I am loved, that I am whole, that I am part of God’s perfection. She tells me she’s always there to guide me and protect me. And, what I need to hear most, she tells she will rise from this illusion, stronger and wiser, more beautiful than ever, like a phoenix from the ashes.

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